Stream of Consciousness, Finishing Projects, and Other ADHD Difficulties

 Hi everyone!

I know I have not yet discussed a lot of the "mental health" part of this blog, so today I want to give you a bit of a perspective on how my brain works - or doesn't cooperate at times, and how that impacts my participation and experiences in the hobby. 

My NaMoPaiMo "official" entry from last year- though I did get beyond this point, I still have not finished him. This design was too complex and thus was not a good candidate for maintaining my focus and motivation. I hope to do something a bit less ambitious this year!

How do I best describe the experience of the ADHD thought process? Well, since this is a blog, imagine you've settled in to read a nice long blog post about a topic you are interested in or that you really want to spend some time thinking about. A few minutes later, your computer opens another window (without your permission), with a blog post of a different topic that you may also think is important. You might even have a few more of these windows open in quick succession. You spend so much time drifting back and forth between these new windows that you may actually forget the first one, even though it was a high priority for you when you opened it. Before you know it, it's a couple of hours later and you haven't finished reading that first one. 

There are so many different series of thoughts I've had about the hobby that have never been said to anyone, whether written down or spoken. My brain moves through topics so quickly that many times I am not able to draw conclusions on whatever I'm thinking about. Something I've thought will remind me of something else and I'll start thinking about that thing instead. Or, I'll get distracted by something else entirely and then minutes later realize I was originally thinking about Topic 1- and I may or may not have any idea how I got on this other tangent. 

Of course, not everything that passes through my brain is fully well thought out and actually valuable to share with others anyway, but it would be nice to feel more in control of it. I think this blog will help in that once I've written down a topic that's been bouncing around for a long time, maybe I won't spend so much time wanting to talk about it, analyzing, etc. At least here, I can edit anything that sounds too off the wall or not structured well. In the written word, I am also forced to slow down enough to keep track of what I'm saying. In the time it takes me to write this blog, you will read only a fraction of the thoughts that I had while composing it. Some were ideas for what I wanted to say. Others were completely unrelated! 

Due to the constantly moving and changing thoughts, ideas, and feelings, it's been tough for me my entire life to fully see through projects that I've started, without someone else helping to push me along to finish it. I have a "book" I started on as a child (I drew the pictures and my Nana wrote down the story) that never made it more than a few pages in. I know that is not the only project I abandoned as a kid. It's a weird blessing and a curse. I'm always thinking of new ideas, but in doing this I often distract myself from something else I was already working on. I'll get a burst of energy and inspiration, which most of the time fizzles out pretty quickly if it's something that takes a while to finish. Even if it was a really good idea, or something I cared about a lot.

I do better when I'm doing things that other people are depending on me for, mostly. School was challenging in some ways, but I had deadlines, teachers, and my parents helping me to structure my time and make sure I got things done. Work also has deadlines, expectations, and of course, I get paid. Anything I am solely responsible for though often feels like an insurmountable challenge! One the things I am still the most proud of myself for has to be the live show I put on for 7 years in a row (It's currently on hiatus because of obvious reasons, I'm toying with bringing it back this year but since it's not until August that is very much a Wait and See right now). I managed to lay a lot of good ground work in the first few years as far as protocols for what I needed to do (i.e. order flats and rosettes this month, open entries that month) that it became fairly straightforward for me to get done. Plus, knowing how happy it makes others certainly helps. 

Motivation is another weird anomaly in my opinion. I can't always tell what activates it, and it definitely does not always activate when it "should". I have a lot of difficulty establishing and keeping up with routines/habits. One of the reasons I do as much as I can to simplify what I have to do, and how I organize my physical space, is to make up in efficiency for whatever I lack in doing things at a "normal" speed. If I have a short burst of energy/motivation, it's easier to spend it on something I can accomplish easily and quickly. I often feel like I am not able to get some things done as quickly as others, and that I am playing "catch up". It's a hard concept to explain, but I believe it is additionally compounded by having a poor sense of time/internal clock.  

I try my best to not let projects get away from me, and if I'm working on them with others I will try to ensure I come back to them within "reasonable" time windows. I am not always the best about that, of course. So if you're ever working with me on something and I look like I've just dropped it cold, please check in with me. I have either actually forgotten (in which case, my bad for not giving myself a reminder), or I am struggling really hard to will my brain into having motivation and hoping that works after a while. (I'm probably also pretty embarrassed if that's not going well!)

Over the years, there are many hobby project ideas that I've had (such as creating class lists, hosting photo shows, making my own website, etc) that have not panned out because of time/money, but a large part of them have just never happened because I simply never finished the idea or got it to a point where it could be executed. While I cannot control this part of myself very well, I at least understand it in theory. I also have social anxiety along with everything else, and I have some degree of fear of failing others and losing their trust/being disliked- so if I am putting myself out there to host an event or work on a project with anyone other than myself, it's something I have thought about enough times consistently that I know I am committed enough to continue with it. It's not a fool proof plan, but it does work most of the time!

If you also struggle with ADHD and/or other neurodiversities, you are not alone! I wish the world around us was more accommodating & understanding, and maybe someday it will be! 

Thanks for taking a read through this (mostly) non-hobby post today! I may do more of these in the future- it will depend on what my brain is yelling at me to write about on any given day. I probably should write down topics as I think of them so if there's some day I want to write a post but don't know what to post about, I'll have some choices.